A challenge

After talking with a friend I made the decision to apply for a job with Education works in camden. I was so excited when I got the call for an interview so tomorrow I pray all goes well when I make the trip to philly for this interview. Camden has become comfortable I love the kids and the people I know and UrbanPromise however I know that I am not being challenged there. I knew this after the knot in my stomach formed moments after setting up this interview. I am nervous, nervous to interview, nervous to go beyond the bubble of UrbanPromise, nervous that I am not as good as I think I am. I am nervous because if God dosnt show up, I will be in trouble. I am trusting that if this is ment to me that I will find housing and that he will be with me throughout this process. As scary as it is I know that through this bring growth so even through I am nervous and everything seems up in the air I also feel at peace knowing that I am continuing to seek out what it means to love wastefully.

...

I feel as though I have all sorts of questions sturring. Last night as we sat in the living room in downtown Camden we heard gunshots from outside. It's not a first for me but it's never something that will feel normal, or at least I hope not. In that moment I can feel my stomach drop beacuase I know that no matter how much good anyone can do, there will always be gunshots filling the silence. And in that moment it feels hopeless. I know that I am not changing the world, I know that Camden will continue to struggle weather I am there or not but its times like this that are a grim reminder of the things that my camp kids face everyday. Even as I sit here writing this I feel stupid, I know that its normal in camden and that I didnt actually see anything happen but I cant pretend like it dosnt effect me.

Im thankful for a God who knows the desires of my heart, because at this point I don't even know where to start.

Privilege

Privilege: a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor


This word has been on my mind a lot this week. What does it mean? Who decides if someone is privileged? Should you use it? How do you use it?
I have never considered myself privileged. I grew up in a situation that I never asked for, father in jail and a single mom struggling to make ends meet. When I would think of privilege I would think of money. Because with money brought power, opportunities, and material things. Another reason I never considered myself privileged was because in my own mind the word had a negative connotation. Someone who was self righteous, and unaware of the things going on around the world and even in their own neighborhood because they didn't have to worry about anyone but themselves.
One of the many things that I have learned this summer is that I am privileged. Not by birth right, socioeconomic status, race or ethnicity but because I am a daughter of God who has been blessed. Being at Messiah College and having the opportunity to attain a higher education is a privilege. 
Along with this privilege comes responsibility. A responsibility to be an advocate, to be aware, to speak up, to encourage others, to be humble, to be thankful, and to listen to the one who has given me this privilege.
 

I'm not ready to make nice

"Don't yell and your friends and your church" This was the advice we recieved during our transition talk at UrbanPromise. Last summer I will admit I did just that. I was passionate, and my eyes had been opened to so much through living in Camden but the reactions I got when I returned home were not at all what I had expected. Life had gone on, soon enough the E-town fair was here and the tractor pulls were in full swing, school was starting and everyone was rushing to buy their brand new school supplies, and talking about how many hours a day they practiced. I found it hard to just "jump back in" I mean how could I? With all that I had seen and heard, the people I met, how could I pretend that I was okay with the rest of the world pretending that places like Camden didn't exist. I found that my personally life changing stories didn't have such a huge impact when they hadnt experianced it themselves. This was not only heart breaking but infurating.
As time goes on I continue to learn about what to do with everything Camden has taught me. I honestly still dont have it figured out. But I do know this

I wont forget what I have seen

I wont pretend everythings okay when it's not

I wont be complacent

I wont back down from what I believe in

I have said many times that I am not good with words, and thats why I sing. Someone puts into words all the things that I often cant say. Today as I was youtube I found an old song, called Not ready to make nice.

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

There are times when I cannot back down, because injustice has a name, homelessness has a name, abuse has a name, neglect has a name, suffering has a name, and those are things that I wont back down to because a year later it still makes me mad as hell and the day that I do back down is the day that something inside me dies...



I wish I could be there, but I can't

Today I said goodbye to some of the most amazing people I have come into contact with. Saying goodbye and adjusting into life back at home is something I always struggle with. Leaving last summer was heartbreaking, my heart aches and still does at the thought of not being there to love, encourage and motivate the kids who so quickly stole my heart. But throughout the last year I have gotten to a place where I am okay with leaving the kids, because I know its not a goodbye but its a see you in a month. I use to feel empty coming back home knowing that part of my heart would remain in Camden but it now brings me comfort knowing that I call camden and etown home, and I am lucky enough to have an amazing family of people who love me and care about me in both places. 
This year I have struggled with goodbyes in different ways. On monday the interns left, I knew it would be difficult saying goodbye to the people who we have lived and worked with for the past six weeks but that is not actually what got me. As I watched vans pulling out of the parking lot I looked around and saw street leaders and kids devastated. The people who invested in them, believed in them, and who were there for them all summer were suddenly gone and on a plane to the other side of the US. My heart hurts for the people left behind. My prayer is that these relationships continue and that even thousands of miles away they continue to be the encouragement and support that these kids need.
And lastly today I said my own goodbyes. Today the assistant directors left to go home and back to school. These incredible people have been my friends, my support system, my comic relief, and my shoulder to cry on for the past 8 weeks. Without this group of people I don't know how I would have made it though the summer and words cant even describe how much of a blessing they have been. In many ways I haven't been able to process everything yet, and I am not sure what will happen from here but I pray we continue to be part of each others lives.
This is a song that an amazing intern shared with me last summer...it simply states all the things I wish for me kids and my streetleaders. I know I wont be there to see all of it happen but I pray that it does and that they know how much they are loved

I wish you freedom

I wish you peace

I wish you nights of stars

That beckon you to sleep

I wish you heartache

That leaves you more of a man

I wish I could be there

But I can't

I wish you places

That sit so still

Where people never ever change

and never ever will

I wish I could hold you

And make you understand

I wish I could be there

But I can't

Be good for your mama

Cause she'll need a hand to hold

Boy, she loves you

More than you'll ever know

There are rhymes and there are reasons

And times when nothing stayed the same

But you know my love still remains

I wish you wisdom

I wish you years

I wish you armies

To conquer all your fears

I wish you courage for all that life demands

I wish I could be there

But I can't

Be good for your mama

Cause she'll need a hand to hold

Boy, she loves you

More than you'll ever know

There are rhymes and there are reasons

And times when nothing stayed the same

But you know my love still remains

I wish we were together

I wish I was home

I wish there were nights

Where I was never alone

I know I've said it

But I'll say it once again

I wish I could be there

But I can't

looking back

Last night I was on the phone with a friend who also interned with UrbanPromise last summer and who lived in the same house I did. As we talked he asked me what I have learned this summer, where am I this summer compared to last summer, and overall what it has been like being back here again. My experiance here this summer has been challenging, much more challenging than I thought it would be actually. Working at a new camp with all new kids has been a bigger adjustment that I expected. I love my kids at camp hope, and they have taught me sooooooo much, but if I am honest with myself I know that my heart is still in south camden. I am also in a new role this summer. I am the assistant director at my camp, which means that I dont actually teach classes but I deal with registration, parents, and the logistics of running camp. Assistant director also means that I am the house manager for the group of interns I live with. This has been my biggest challenge by far this summer. I dont enjoy it honestly. Finding a balance between being a  house mate and a friend, to following policy and keeping some peace in the house has been rough. I dont want to be anyones mom but at times it feels like that. All that being said, I finally feel like we are all into the swing of things, the bumps have been worked out and all seems to be going well thank the lord! Anyway... I told my friend last night that I feel like I excel in this leadership but it dosnt bring me the joy that I had last summer. He responded by saying that I dont think leadership is suppose to bring you joy. At least thats the way it has worked for him. I came into this summer expecting to feel the same way about the kids the interns and the city as I did last summer, however I have realized that is not practical. And if it all was the same then I wouldnt be learning anything. Last summer my joy came from the kids and from the relationships that I built with them. So much of my joy and energy is from the kids of camp hope but I have realized that seeing the interns learn and grow this summer has brought me joy as well. My job this summer has been to support them and encourage them, and the fact that they are continuing to learn and grow and love these kids means that something is going right. And God is no doubt still working here.

Camp Hope stories

This has been a longggggggg week. After being in Camden for over a month straight and working without a break I started to feel and see the results. However this week at camp has been amazing!!!!! Yesterday we had bible buddies, which I was actually not feeling fantastic going into because I was exhausted and ready to go home and sleep. However I quickly realized that what I needed wasnt a nap at all...it was quality time spent with these kids. We played eye spy, and took lots of crazy pictures, and spent time drawing and talking. For this set of bible buddies I have 3 kids. First is Jayden who is adorible to say the least and who can make me laugh or smile even on the worst days. And then I have Roodsen and Anel, brothers who moved to camden in 2009 from Hati. Anel is hearing impared and also uses english as a second language and struggles to communicate with the rest of the staff at camp hope. Anel might lack verbal skills for many reasons, but his way of communicating love and kindness surpasses many of the people I know. His brother Roodsen is older, he is older and a big brother to all the younger kids at camp. Today he had a rough morning and I found him crying under the tree in front of the church. I sat beside him and attempted to find out what was wrong. But at this point he had shut down, and wasnt interested in talking. I waited there with him untill the crying stopped and the tears dried and he eventually started playing again. This in itself isnt something that would suprise me however this afternoon at lunch he called me over to his table. When I bent down so he could wisper in my ear he said "thank you for encouraging me when I was sad this morning" At that moment he had my heart. I had felt like I really didnt do anything for him. I was just there but at that point in time that was all he needed. My last story is about a little boy named Sammy. Sammy is a four year old from Hati that comes to our camp, he is missing two of his fingers on his hand and speaks no english. A few of our volunteers speak creole and you can see his face light up when he is able to communicate with them. Anyway today I brought my guitar for camp so as we were waiting for basketball to start I brought it out knowing that the kids would be amused and everyone would get together. I often will give the kids the pic and let them strum as I play the chords. I handed the pic to Sammy and one of the kids says he dosnt even speak english he dosnt know what to do. And right away Sammy started playing just like the other kids had before him. Music is universal, love is universal, joy is universal, peace, grace, faith, is universal and for that I am soooo thankful.

Joy

So it is now 12:41 and we have camp tomorrow so I'm going to make this short... I had one of the best days since I have been here. Tonight I went to camp peace which is the camp that I worked at last year. I decided to have a camp night with the kids so I would be able to continue the relationships that I have already started with many of them. We started out with about 3 kids 2 of which I didn't know but before I knew it there where kids everywhere and I was in heaven :) there were tears, laughs, hugs, fights, and lost flip flops all within 2 hours but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is the only place in the world where I can literally see joy on people's faces... The kids of south Camden bring me that kind of joy. So call me crazy, irresponsible, and misguided but I'm holding on to that joy and keep coming back to this place because you just don't let something like that go.

Day one!

Today was the first day of camp! We started off the day heading out to the van (which is a blessing in itself just the fact that we were able to use the van) and quickly realized that it was dead. Thank God for Andy who had the portible jumper and Jeff who knew how to use it! Never the less we finally got to camp. The day was fantastic! The kids are adorible and sweet and I am so proud of my staff who really shined in different areas of the day.
Even though this is my second summer, my position as an assistant director is new and I am still learning where I belong and what my duties are. I spent most of the morning talking with parents and helping them register their children for camp. Which is new for me, as an intern I didn't have alot of interaction with parents however I am glad that I am able to get to know the families and not just the kids. The majority of the rest of the day was spent between art and bible. I was soooooo impressed by how much information these kids remember from church and from previous years of bible class during camp. And I LOVED getting to sit in on art because I got to actually sit and talk and color with kids, I have found this is going to be my time to get to know the kids on a personal level and I am sooo excited.
I am so blessed to be back in camden and working with the kids and streetleaders here. But I am really thankful for the team that God has placed at my camp and in my house. I am continuing to learn about God, myself, and what all of this really means and I cant wait to see what God has in store!

Pinky Promise

Today we had a break from training sessions and meetings to get our games together for the intern training. We spent the day cutting, coloring, researching, and roaming the basement of UrbanPromise for supplies. I am so excited for them to arrive and to see the relationships and growth begin.
In the afternoon we had a break so Laura (an AD who was an intern last summer) Wes (an exceptional newbie to the UrbanPromise family) and myself made our way to the down town house to give Wes a tour and to see if we can find any of the Camp Saved kids. As we walked we found a family who laura had grown to know thoughout last summer. The more time we were there the more comfortable everyone got. The kids were showing us their tattoos and Ju Ju challenged us all to a race (and all of them he won) As I left I realized that the doubts I had about moving into a new camp with a new director and new kids were gone. I feel so blessed to have my kids at Camp Peace that I adore but also have a new group at Camp Hope who I believe will be just amazing.
When we left today Ju Ju made each one of us pinky promise that we would come back and race him again. It's something I havnt done since middle school but it's a promise that I indend to keep. I am promising myself that nothing will hold me back this summer. The heart break that I know is inevitable when working in a City like Camden, the challenges that will come when living in such a unique community, or the walls that I have built. I am blessed to have this opprotunity and I am going to take full advantage of what God has in store.

First post of the summer!!!!!

Finally made it!!!!! On friday I arrived back in camden for the summer!!!! Things have already started getting crazy, long days full of orientation and training, running around like crazy to get ready for the golf event today and everything for the interns who will arrive on monday. However this weekend we were able to spend our AD retreat in the woods, in a beautiful home getting to know the teams who would be leading the interns this summer. I think the biggest blessing by far has been the team placed here this summer. It is amazing the amount of, love, compassion, prayer, inside jokes, and nicknames that have already formed amoung the group. I find it amazing that God continues to bless me with people who I learn and grow from. I believe God has many purposes for this summer and my prayer is that I can stay out of my own way long enough to hear and see what he is showing me. I have had the honor of being able to use my voice and gifts with music to help lead worship with devotions, and that has been something huge for me. Even though I helped with worship often last summer I am still getting the hang of things and trying to figure things out. At times I struggle with being able to get out of the music and into actual worship and it has been on my heart because I feel that if I am not able to enter into that place then I am holding back the rest or the group from being able to truely worship as well. I have realized that the Holy Spirit works reguardless of if I can see it or feel it. And for that I am sooo grateful.
I know this blog has been all over the place and scattered which I guess makes sense because that is what life is sometimes like as an UrbanPromise intern
more to come later....

I Refuse

So I have to confess I don't get to go to church very often. As a poor college student I work whenever the hours are available and I always have the sunday morning shift. Although I would rather be at church most sundays, I cant refuse the work especially when its one of my two shifts weekly during the school year. Anyway tomorrow I have off and had told my Pastor that I would be there and could sing if they had still wanted me to. So at youth group this week I cam across a song that I reallyyyyy liked. It's Called I refuse and it sums up a lot of the feelings I have going into camden and my last week at home.

I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

I could choose not to move

But I refuse

I could CHOOSE not to go to Camden, I could CHOOSE not to notice the hurting and the needy, I could CHOOSE not to listen to the calling I hear, I could CHOOSE to be "responsible" and work and save money,  I could CHOOSE to be "practical" and find a ministry closer to home, I could CHOOSE not to move, but I REFUSE. Sometimes I think it would be sooooooo much easier not to choose, just to pretend like everyone's okay, to say a prayer and feel fulfilled but I would be lying to myself. God calls people to MOVE and anything less than that, at this point would be ignoring him. 

As I was practicing this song to sing in church tomorrow it crossed my mind "this can sound alittle holier than thou" but for me its not about  parading around what I'm doing or how much God is using me. It's crying out, saying I dont want to be this, but it feels like the whole world is against me and I need your strength. 

In less than a week I will be moving back into Camden for the summer. I pray that he breaks me, and he uses me.

Notice the Rainbow

I love thunderstorms, I can't remember ever being one of those kids who was deathly afraid of them. In fact the only memory I really have involving thunderstorms and it's a good one. When we were kids we use to swim at my grandparents in-ground pool all the time. You could see the thunderstorm coming across town and they would warn us we would soon have to get out of the pool. But we wouldn't have it, we practically lived in that pool and wouldn't give up without a fight. So one time my grandfather came up with this idea that if we jumped into the pool after we hear the thunder we would be safe because lightning strikes before you hear the thunder. So thats what we did for many thunderstorms to follow all 7 of my cousins would be jumping in and out of the pool for the whole storm. 


It's one of those things in life that many of us fret while its going on and its right in front of us but then hardly notice when it passes. When your caught in the rain with no umbrella your bound to notice but when the drizzle stops and the dark clouds keep moving its like nothing ever happened. 


Sometimes its easy for my life to feel this way, I fret about money, juries, the dog barking, the car breaking down, or the keys I cant find, and at that point in time it feels like my life revolves around the issue at hand. I can pray and pray and pray my butt off but how often do I forget to say thank you, or notice when he takes that burden away. I pray that my eyes are open to see every blessing and not to take it for granted. I want to notice every rainbow...

Calling

So at Messiah we have this class called "Created and Called for Community" otherwise knows as CCC, to put it kindly this was not one of my favorite classes. My professor was tough and much of the class felt pointless. However one thing has stuck with me from that class, and that was the idea of calling. One of the many definitions we discussed claimed that a calling is when your greatest joy meets the worlds greatest needs. I saw this truly come to life this summer, I was undoubtedly the happiest I have ever been, while serving a community often overlooked and ignored. It was hot, crowded, and exhausting but I experienced joy, and thats how I knew for at least this point in time that I had found my calling. With that being said I have decided at least for the time being that I want to move to Camden after I graduate. Im not sure how God is going to use me yet or what I will be doing (which drives the control freak inside of me crazy) but I know that this is my hearts desire. Messiah has been a place that has helped me learn and grow not only as a student but as a person and as a christian. I know that it has molded me into the person that I am today and the person that I am going to be in the future however it is also a great source of stress. 
Now you may think well no kidding...its college who isnt stressed, but its not the classes or the craziness of rehearsals and lessons and everything else going on. Its money. I HATE money, it is one thing that can make me crazy and seems to be the source of all arguments in my life lately. Messiah is downright expensive, with that being said I realize that I am incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to go there and just the fact that the financial aid worked out is a miracle. But that dosent help me sleep any better at night. Messiah has helped me realize my calling in Camden but I fear that it will also hold me back from pursuing that calling. I have faith that God will provide...he always has but at times I wonder if I'm not making a mistake.

Hope

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
I have hope for this city, I have hope for these kids, and I am lucky enough to have hope as my sister
But this summer I also have the privilege of working at camp hope! On june 17th I will leave for my summer in camden, this year I will be an assistant director at a new camp with new kids, staff and director! As I think about my previous summer sometimes I cant help but think that the kind of community and friendships that were present can never be recreated. And although I know that this summer is going to be full of new opportunities and challenges I also know that God never ceases to amaze me and I have faith that there is something HUGE in store for this summer. Over the last year I have seen heart ache, and hurting people but I have also seen God move and work in ways that I never expected. I am excited for the chance to spend another summer in Camden, and to be able to share this experience with my sister. I am so thankful for the things that God has shown me and I have high hopes for this summer!

I live for days like these

One of my favorite things to do in Camden is spend time with small groups of kids. I loved bible buddies for this reason too, your able to really get to know the kids on a different level when your spending extra time with them and they start realizing how much you care. So I had set up plans with Rahmir's grandma to pick him to go to the aquarium and to lunch with myself, hope and Tatiana another student from camp peace. As I talk to Rahmir who is standing barefoot in his door way he informs me that he dosnt want to go with us. I start realizing that Hope is going to be crushed. This is her favorite camp kid who she has been soooo excited to spend time with not to mention the fact that we just drove two hours to camden to take him out anyway he refused to go. So Hope and I decide to make a stop at the house of another camp kid, the easter package that we had tried sending was returned so I wanted to leave it on the door step anyway, so I knock on the door realizing that I am a stranger showing up early on a saturday morning asking to take her kids away but after talking she allows Daquan and his sister to come out with us and they are sooooo excited. The day was fantastic, seeing the usually cool tough 4th grader holding his sisters hand and opening the doors for everyone brought a smile to my face. When I picked the kids up his mom had told me their father is incarcerated and they have been struggling for a while. I never know how Gods going to use me or who God is using to touch me but I have realized that he teaches me so much through these kids, more than I could ever learn in a classroom. I live for days like these.

Brick walls

For many people it's easy to comment on the very big issues that effect the world around us. Poverty, homelessness, injustice, drugs, crime, unemployment, racism just to name a few. It's easy to have all the answers when they are just words in a newspaper or the latest story on CNN. Harsh judgments are made without even knowing all the facts. So when people decide to spout off I sometimes cant help but to say something back. Just through experience I have learned at times it's just better to keep my mouth shut knowing that they are too stubborn to even listen to what I have to say. However you can only talk about all these things and share your all too close minded opinions because they have no personal attachment, but for me they have a name and a face and THAT is the reason that I at times cannot keep my mouth shut. It breaks my heart when I hear some of the comments made by the people around me, they are attacking my kids...my kids that did nothing to deserve the words that your using to describe them. My mom told me tonight she doesn't understand why we even continue the conversation when we know where it will end up. Personally its because I believe that I am responsible. I have seen, and now I am responsible. Responsible for change, for love, and for awareness even if that means feeling like I am talking to a brick wall at times.

Home is where the heart is

Home is where the heart is

I guess in many ways that's true. And I am blessed enough to have many homes, I have a home in Elizabethtown full of people who love me, it holds all my memories from childhood and from high school. I have a home at Messiah where I am learning the skills that I need to one day be an incredible teacher. And I have a home in Camden NJ, where I find my calling which is also my greatest joy. I leave a little bit of my heart in all of these places which at times honestly hurts. I have always struggled with adjusting back into my other homes, even though I love them as well it always feels like part of me is missing. 

One of the things I have learned through this time spent in Camden is that I can make it. When ever I have been in Camden it has always been in groups. However this time I lived there as a room mate, paying rent, buying groceries, initially I worried about being able to hack it on my own, I know I can fit in with 12 other interns but living there on my own was a new adventure. But I loved it, I was able to hang out with my kids, grow and learn from my room mates, and hang out with old friends. 

I am not as sad coming home this time, knowing that while a piece of my heart is still there I will always return. I'm blessed to be given the opprotunity to know these amazing kids.

Today I got to play receptionist, after answering a few calls and surfing the web I quickly ran out of things to do. So Jonathan a volunteer from fellowship house sits down and starts talking to me about his family, being adopted and  moving to Camden. As we sit I think about how cool it is that I meet all these people with such amazing stories and wisdom to share. As we talk I hear a noise outside, after a second of shock it starts setting in that they are gunshots... people are frantic, running down the street screaming. My first thought is our kids stand on those streets all the time. In fact in about a half an hour they would be getting off the bus and running those streets into our camp. How could someone be shooting in broad daylight with kids around? My director made the decision that we should cancel camp for the day. Even though this is prolly the safest time to be on this street we don't want to bring the kids into this type of environment. I am asked to ride in the bus so I can explain to parents why we are not having camp. As I walk to the bus I lift the yellow caution tape walking through a crime scene to go get my kids.

It is reported that a woman was shot in the torso at 2:10 today...we were told she was shot as she was putting a child in the back seat of a car...my heart breaks from that child.

I still don't know how to process any of this, and at times I feel ridiculous for even writing all this when I know it happens often in this city. But that's part of the problem, in a city where murder is a norm its so easy to become desensitized to the things going on around you. It should never be normal for kids, or adults for that matter to hear gunshots  

cant believe I have been here over a week!

Every time I come back to Camden I have a new experience. I feel like through this time I have found a lot of independence, which is a good feeling. I have said many times I want to move here or I could see myself living here but now I have actually gotten the chance to try it out. At first I thought it may be a challenge. I am use to being surrounded by people whenever I am here, going from a house with 12 interns to having my own room in the basement was a big jump but I love it! I feel like I still have my UrbanPromise family and I'm thankful that they all take me in and allow me to tag along. Between the diner runs, jam sessions, big booty, and sushi in philly it has been a great weekend! 

On monday I took kids to the movies, it was great! The movie was cute and they were all excited to be going out. And tomorrow I am having 3 of my boys from camp over for dinner. They were soooo excited when I invited them today. They kept coming to my classroom asking about what we are going to be doing, what were eating, if they can help, and I'm ecstatic that they are so excited!  

My prayer for the next week is that I can just be still and listen to God. There's no doubt that I love the people he has surrounded me with but for now I want to focus on listening to him.

Blessed beyond belief

I can't believe that my first week of after school program is done! With the snow that we got we ended up only having two days of program but it gave me a chance to hang out with some old and new friends. Next week we only have program two days as well, which at first really made me bummed. I LOVE getting to see my camp kids and want to spend as much time with them as I can while I'm here so having another short week ahead made me kinda sad. But I came up with an idea, I was going to hang out with camp kids on the days that we don't have program. 

As I'm talking to Shakeera a high school senior that works at camp peace we decide on Samantha and Francisco, two kids from the neighborhood. So I decided to walk to their house this afternoon to meet their mom and ask if I would be able to take them out to a movie on Monday. As Shakeera and I walk towards their house honestly I'm a little nervous. I have never met their parents before and I have no idea what kind of house I'm walking into, not to mention the fact that I have only been back in Camden for a week. The parents don't know who I am, typically the only interaction I have at the fellowship house is with the kids and staff. But never the less I follow shakeera into the house. When we walk in I introduce myself the their mom, there are kids all around but none of which are my camp kids. I explain that my name is Holly and I worked at Camp peace over the summer, and immediately she says oh yes Samantha talks about you all the time. I cannot even explain the feeling that gave me, I actually wasn't even that close to her over the summer but I send her letters here and there, I had never gotten anything in return to even know they arrived. However without me even knowing it I was making an impact of some kind. Her mom says that its fine for me to take them out and Samantha will be so excited that I want to take her out. This will Samantha's and Francisco's second time ever being in a movie theater, something that I know I took for granted as a kid. And I feel so amazingly blessed to be able to know these kids.

I feel like when you work in a city like Camden everything's heightened and emotionally it's hard. When things go well, it's amazing and you feel like you see God presence everywhere you go. But in the same moment when you see this city full of beauty, hope and promise, you see the lows like the homeless woman with 4 kids walking into the shelter that she calls home. When I pray lord break my heart for what breaks yours, I see the hurt and the injustice but I also the hope in the people I meet everyday. Both are very strong emotions and it's overwhelming to see and feel them both simultaneously.

Just a quick note...

So I have made it back to Camden! At times it feels like I'm home again. It's late and I hope to write more later but we started camp today. I got a list of responsibilities for my time here, things that I do during the day to prepare for camp and everything but the fun really starts at 3 when all the kids start rolling up. Since I left after the summer I have tried to send kids mail as often as I can, I will send cards, birthday packages and small things. Not to long ago I sent Ron Ron (one of my favorite camp kids) a birthday package with candy and cars and little things I hoped he would like. And in fact he did, Tony his director told me that when Ron Ron found out I was back to visit he said that I was his girl! Ron Ron had told his friends at camp about the package and word spread, suddenly all the kids felt they needed to tell me when there birthday was. One kid we call shadow (he's always following someone around) was adamant about getting a package and I assured him I would send one. As time went on I accidentally missed his birthday but at my next visit he reminded me again that its ok if it was late. Money was tight and I didnt have much to send but 2 months after his birthday I sent out a craft kit, something small that he would scratch away the black layer to reveal a rainbow of colors underneath. When I saw shadow today I asked him if he got the package and he told me he did and he used it too! I asked how his birthday was, kinda forgetting it was months ago but he said it was okay I didnt get any presents this year other than the one you sent, thats why Im getting double present next year for my birthday. He broke my heart, so many times I get busy or feel like i dont have the extra money but I pray God opens my eyes to kids like shadow in hopes that they just know their loved.