This is a paper that I wrote for my senior seminar class. The very vague promt encouraged us to talk about our faith, and the way that it has influenced our calling or vocation. UrbanPromise and the people of Camden have been a huge part of shaping who I am, and in this paper I am attempting to sum it all up...
What I learned while I “should” have been
practicing
I was always listening to
upperclassman talk about how they had no clue what they were doing with their
lives, and I would find myself secretly thinging “How could you not know? You
have had the last four years to figure it out!” I have always been the type of
person to have it all figured it. I’m practical and sensible, although I have recently
found that the more I seek God and the will that he has for my life the less I
seem to have figured out. The tighter my grip becomes when trying to control
all the aspects of my life the less I am able to hear God. I guess in some ways I have come to a point
where I am throwing my hands up, and trusting that he has it figured out. In
the past when I have let him have control the results have been life changing,
they have taught me who I am, what I care about, and how I can serve. When I really think about it, THOSE are the
important questions. Now I find myself waiting to see how I can do those things
through a vocation. Although these conclusions are all grand, and have given me
peace over my circumstances, learning these lessons has been a lifelong process.
I have no doubt I will continue to develop, and learn after my time here at
Messiah is done.
My freshman year I made the decision
to do a service trip, up until this point I had never really done anything like
this before. I was quiet and generally stuck close to home within my comfort
zone, but for some reason I decided to do a spring break trip. I did not know
anyone else going, and I was not familiar with any of the locations that teams
were traveling to. After much thought, I had finally decided that I was going
to go to New York for the week. However, right before I handed in the paperwork
I heard an acquaintance say that she was going on the Camden trip. Desperate to
go with someone I knew, I quickly switched my paperwork and signed up to spend
the week in Camden NJ, which I quickly came to learn was one of the most
dangerous cities in the United States. To make a long story short, that
acquaintance never ended up never going, and I found myself a part of a team of
strangers. Little did I know it would turn out to be an experience that has totally
shaped my heart, my faith, and my life. After a couple days in the city I knew
that I was going to come back, and I did. I was there for the summer, and next
two summers after that. I served as a teaching intern, assistant director, and
the assistant intern director of the program. While I knew that these
experiences were more valuable than any summer job or time spent practicing, I
couldn’t help but feel like I was doing something wrong. The peers that I had
at school were taking jobs on campus that they really didn’t want to work in
order to practice, and continue studying with their teachers. I served as the
worship leader, and often sang and played guitar while I was away for the
summer. This world of classical music I had at Messiah I left behind, and
honestly I can’t say I missed it. Talking, and writing about these experiences
is always a challenge. Describing what the people I met there mean to me, and
the priceless lessons I have learned is something that cannot be understood
easily through language, it must be experienced. In figuring out who I am, and what my vocational calling is these are
the people and the experiences that have shaped me into who I am.
One
of the most important things I have learned is the concept of loving
wastefully. It’s an idea that is foreign to us as Americans. We spend our lives
calculating our every move, making sure our relationships are worthwhile, and
we get just as much out of it as what we put in because anything less would be
a waste of our time and our energy. The idea of loving wastefully means that we
love with reckless abandon. We love those who may not reciprocate it, who might
hurt us, and who the world thinks is a waste. This idea of loving wastefully
was created by Bruce Main, he is the founder of UrbanPromise, the author of
numerous books, and someone I consider a mentor, and a friend. In his book Spotting the Sacred he talks about this
idea of loving wastefully.
“It’s
easy to love cautiously. It’s easy to show expressions of love that are safe
and kept within restricted boundaries... Yet is it not in loving wastefully
that we display the inexhaustible love of God? Is it not in these spontaneous,
risky acts of love that people are touched and doors are opened?” (Main,
Chapter 3)
Luis,
also known as Bebo was 15 when I met him. He had tattooed arms, and two long
braids that fell past his shoulders, he was fresh out of juvenile detention.
With parents in jail, siblings in the drug business, and no one looking out for
him, the streets provided a system of people who had his back and for the first
time someone seemed to care for him. Loving Bebo was a risk. The risk that I would
get hurt, that I might see him suffer, that I would see him struggle and hurt
those around him. I did, I was the one
getting the phone calls after he failed another drug test, and after he got arrested
for selling drugs. I will always remember the hurt of a tear filled goodbye the
night before we both thought he would be going back to jail. Through this risk,
I have also had the greatest reward of getting to know him. I have been able to
see him grow into a man that is full of compassion and appreciation. I have
seen him use the stumbling blocks he has struggled with to help others. Bebo
taught me that loving wastefully hurts and it’s scary, but it’s also the most
fulfilling way to love.
While
we are working full time in the camps with 40 to 80 kids every day, we are also
living in an intern house with 12 other college aged students. This house was
small, and old. The structure was unstable, and heat collected in every room. Needless
to say we came to greatly value a couple different things; free air
conditioning at Barns and Noble, a bathroom where you don’t have to wait in
line, and sleep. There were many nights were I remember having the following
conversation with myself…”well I could take a nap, or I could stay up with my
roommates who are talking in the living room, or I could hang out with the
street leader who has been begging me to get together all week.” I have found
that no matter how tired you are, how hot the house is, or how much you would
rather not do anything at all, time spent investing in people is never time
wasted.
Through
my time in Camden NJ I also learned what it means to be a leader, more
specifically I learned what it means to be a servant leader. I remember specifically
calling my best friend Chase, and telling him that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I was disappointed in the attitude of the people who I was leading, I was
frustrated with a system where I wasn’t getting the support I needed, and I was
flat out discouraged. This isn’t what I came here to do, I came to Camden
because I believe in these kids and I wanted to help others see in them what I
see. Instead I was babysitting adults who didn’t want to follow rules, and were
here for all the wrong reasons. My friend responded by saying, that’s why you
make a great leader. This was not at all what I wanted to hear, but it just
might have been what I needed. He went on to explain that my focus was on the
kids and on ensuring that they had the greatest possible experience that they
could have. He was right, even though it wasn’t what I wanted, it’s what I
needed and what the program needed me to do. Being a servant leader is not
about climbing any ladder of success, or about being honored at any banquets. It’s
being a part of the everyday grind, doing all the small unseen things that
allow things to work the way they are suppose to. I want to be a leader like
this, a servant leader.
As
I worked through the presentation that accompanied this paper I realized that I
was talking about all of the people that I met and the way that they impacted
my life, but I had never really told my own story. I have never hid my past
from anyone, but it isn’t something that always comes up unless you know me
well. I came to Messiah feeling slightly like the black sheep. I didn’t have
parents who where professors, or who encouraged me to be a part of the music
world. I grew up with a single mom and a parent in jail. I had become pretty
good at looking and acting like most of my peers, but in reality that isn’t who
I was or who I am. It took me a while to realize that my testimony is an
amazing gift, and something I believe will make me a great teacher. The journey
that has brought me to this place in my life has been so unique and allows me
to relate to kids, and to the people I meet on a more genuine level. The kids
who I work with in Camden grew up very similarly to the way that I did. While
the other interns I work with can support them and listen to their stories, I
am able to say that I understand because I lived it. I can provide an example
of someone who has made the best out of a situation some would have considered
hopeless. It allows me to challenge them, and not take any excuses because I
know that their potential is limitless. I am thankful to have a story to share,
that has molded me into the person that I am, and am slowly becoming more
comfortable sharing it with others.
So
I may not know exactly where I am going to live or what kind of job I will
have, but I have realized what’s important to me. These are the foundations of
what make me who I am. Whether I am a teacher, an after school programs
coordinator, a mom, or a wife, I want to do all those things keeping this in
mind. Love others, serve others, invest in others and let yourself be used by
God.
