Rid me of myself

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

I'm starting to realize how much I get in my own way. As much as I tried to keep it all together and live out my faith the best way I can I still manage to mess things up. As I was listening to this song the line "Rid me of myself, I belong to you" really stood out to me. In this society it almost seems backwards, I can be so focused on who I am and who I'm going to be that I forget why I'm doing any of it in the first place.

I have learned a lot over the past year. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and found something that brings me the most joy I have ever know as well as meets a great need, and I believe that's what you'd call a calling. Looking ahead I can't begin to imagine where the next year will take me, my prayer is that I'm able to continue growing and serving. 

I hate new years resolutions because they are always forgotten usually by the end of January, so this year I'm gunna go with a new years prayer. And that's to rid me of myself, all the walls, the hate, the shame, the hurt, the ego, and the baggage and belong to God.

Meet Tatiana...

 

I wish that you all were able to meet my camp kids and streetleaders. They are some of the most incredible people I have ever met.This summer I spent teaching HodgePodge to 1-4th grade however I did most of the learning. This is Tatiana, shes a second grader who quickly became one of my favorites at camp :) Tatiana is a sweetheart, she is quiet and soft spoken but shes a beautiful smart little girl. Tatiana just kinda took to me, she was my right hand girl, always close by, which in some ways was unusual because I had a habit of sticking which the boys who were usually misbehaving. Throughout the summer we were together alot, she stayed after camp for bible buddies, and we usually ended up together at the pool...but as the summer came to a close she started acting different. On my last day of camp I was worried about her, she was upset and crying for most of the day only to find out she was upset that I was leaving. The day had come, and I had to say goodbye, Tatiana had spent all day glued to my hip but it didn't make saying goodbye any easier. When I got home a friend that worked at my camp sent me this picture, which apparently sums up Tatiana last day at camp after I left

I just saw Tatiana again this weekend, I wanted to get her something for Christmas and was so excited to get to see her again. She came in with a gift for me as well which I didn't expect but soo sweet.

As I look over this post I know it's scattered and random but I guess as I look back at my summer with her I just feel blessed. Blessed to know this little girl who is so full of love and who's willing to share it with me.

Love Uncalculated

So many people don't understand why I love Camden or why I go. My family gives me the impression that they think I'm in a "phase" something I will grow out of once I'm older and wiser. My friends think that I have gone off the deep end, and they don't really know me anymore. Coworkers think I have a death wish, and many just think I'm down right crazy. My hope for the this blog is to give you a glimpse into the world of Camden that I have come to love, and try to explain why I continue to go back. The title of this blog is love wastefully, two words that don't normally go together however it's kinda a philosophy that I have come to admire. Bruce Main the founder of UrbanPromise in Camden NJ talks about the way we love today is calculated. We are always thinking about is it worth the risk, will it be returned, is it worth my time? Jesus didn't love this way and my goal is to do the same. I'm trying to do this by loving the people that are hurting, broken, and usually forgotten. It scares me in all honesty because when you love wastefully you pour everything into those people, and when they succeed it's the most amazing feeling in the world. When I was at camp this past week two of my 4th grade boys were helping the younger kids with their homework. As they walk around offering assistance in camp I'm proud, they are amazing kids who love people care about others and serve their peers. However when disappointment comes it hits hard. When the teen you pray for everyday, who some may see as a trouble maker or a thug ends up going to jail, you can feel your heart literally break. But in the end it's worth it because you get to see just how amazing that teen actually is. Seeing how funny sweet and talented he is.

"It's easy to show expressions of love that are safe and that are kept within restricted boundaries. But loving wastefully always involves risk...Yet is it not in loving wastefully that we display the inexhaustible love of God? Is it not these spontaneous, risky acts of love that people are touched and doors are opened ?"

I learn the most about myself, about humanity, and about God by loving wastefully