wow...it's been a while

Well as expected between school and work and life things got busy and this blog got forgotten...so here is my disclaimer....I am pretty sure that almost no one reads this blog, which is fine obviously I havnt done my best at maintaing it. Anyway because of that I am just gunna be real, almost use this as my own stream of conciousness. You will get the good the bad and the ugly, so this is me giving my permission for you to unfollow or deleate or ignore anything that follows...you wont hurt my feelings. Anyway if you do stick around...or if anyone actually is there, feel free to comment, laugh, and pray, cuz the truth is I need it :)

So I got the job that I had previously mentioned! Which is amazing!!! I am so excited to be working in camden for another summer and have the opprotunity to branch out and really see what its like outside of the "urbanpromise bubble" I admit I wont be totally out, I am still going to be living in the retreat house and helping out the intern director but I am excited to still have a network of people that I know and to be able to save a little bit of the money I make rather than paying rent. It really is a huge blessing

However part of me is nervous about this summer. They are middle schoolers :/ an age group I never had any interest in teaching. And not only do I have to teach them but I have to have them able to perform for a group of people and pray that it looks like it all was intentional. I know that this summer is going to have HUGE challenges and is going to stretch me in ways that I dont even know. But I know that this is good, I know its going to help me see the city clearer and that this is going to be an experiance I am never going to forget.

Another thing that is kinda new, and exciting, and scary all at the same time...As I head off to camden I will be about 40 pounds lighter. Something that I dont tell ANYONE unless they mention it to me. People say once they lose weight they feel comfortable in their own skin...that is not the case, not for me anyway. It is still strange that none of my old clothes fits anymore. Its strage that I spent so much time hoping that people were not looking at my body and now having people compliment and comment at the things I spend so much time trying to hide. Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go but it has been alot to process...

I sang with concert choir this week at graduation. It was SCARY to realize how close that is for me. And I have always been someone who has it all figured out and who knows exactly what I want and i still do. but now I am realizing that all this means its time to put up or shut up. Proving to myself and everyone around me that I mean the things I say and that I really will come through with them. I know that its a year away and that the way I feel is just dramatic...but that has been the story of my life lately for some reason.

Speaking of being dramatic, I had a longggg talk with Hope on the way back from Camden the other day. About life and love and dreams and reality of all those things. Trying to figure out how we can be so similar and yet so very different. Understanding how she can be self concious yet have a continuous group of guys lining up to be with her I will never understand. I have said it manyyyyy times and I will say it again. I am not good with words...its why I sing. So naturally there are a few songs that I blast 24/7 on repeat because they say all the things that I can never put into compleate sentances myself.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't

The truth is
That I miss lyin' in those arms of his
But I don't ever let it show
I laugh and I act like
I'm having the time of my life
as far as he knows

It's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Easy, everytime I see him outI can smile, live it up
The way a single girl does
But, what he, what he don't know
is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy