Privilege

Privilege: a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor


This word has been on my mind a lot this week. What does it mean? Who decides if someone is privileged? Should you use it? How do you use it?
I have never considered myself privileged. I grew up in a situation that I never asked for, father in jail and a single mom struggling to make ends meet. When I would think of privilege I would think of money. Because with money brought power, opportunities, and material things. Another reason I never considered myself privileged was because in my own mind the word had a negative connotation. Someone who was self righteous, and unaware of the things going on around the world and even in their own neighborhood because they didn't have to worry about anyone but themselves.
One of the many things that I have learned this summer is that I am privileged. Not by birth right, socioeconomic status, race or ethnicity but because I am a daughter of God who has been blessed. Being at Messiah College and having the opportunity to attain a higher education is a privilege. 
Along with this privilege comes responsibility. A responsibility to be an advocate, to be aware, to speak up, to encourage others, to be humble, to be thankful, and to listen to the one who has given me this privilege.
 

I'm not ready to make nice

"Don't yell and your friends and your church" This was the advice we recieved during our transition talk at UrbanPromise. Last summer I will admit I did just that. I was passionate, and my eyes had been opened to so much through living in Camden but the reactions I got when I returned home were not at all what I had expected. Life had gone on, soon enough the E-town fair was here and the tractor pulls were in full swing, school was starting and everyone was rushing to buy their brand new school supplies, and talking about how many hours a day they practiced. I found it hard to just "jump back in" I mean how could I? With all that I had seen and heard, the people I met, how could I pretend that I was okay with the rest of the world pretending that places like Camden didn't exist. I found that my personally life changing stories didn't have such a huge impact when they hadnt experianced it themselves. This was not only heart breaking but infurating.
As time goes on I continue to learn about what to do with everything Camden has taught me. I honestly still dont have it figured out. But I do know this

I wont forget what I have seen

I wont pretend everythings okay when it's not

I wont be complacent

I wont back down from what I believe in

I have said many times that I am not good with words, and thats why I sing. Someone puts into words all the things that I often cant say. Today as I was youtube I found an old song, called Not ready to make nice.

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

There are times when I cannot back down, because injustice has a name, homelessness has a name, abuse has a name, neglect has a name, suffering has a name, and those are things that I wont back down to because a year later it still makes me mad as hell and the day that I do back down is the day that something inside me dies...



I wish I could be there, but I can't

Today I said goodbye to some of the most amazing people I have come into contact with. Saying goodbye and adjusting into life back at home is something I always struggle with. Leaving last summer was heartbreaking, my heart aches and still does at the thought of not being there to love, encourage and motivate the kids who so quickly stole my heart. But throughout the last year I have gotten to a place where I am okay with leaving the kids, because I know its not a goodbye but its a see you in a month. I use to feel empty coming back home knowing that part of my heart would remain in Camden but it now brings me comfort knowing that I call camden and etown home, and I am lucky enough to have an amazing family of people who love me and care about me in both places. 
This year I have struggled with goodbyes in different ways. On monday the interns left, I knew it would be difficult saying goodbye to the people who we have lived and worked with for the past six weeks but that is not actually what got me. As I watched vans pulling out of the parking lot I looked around and saw street leaders and kids devastated. The people who invested in them, believed in them, and who were there for them all summer were suddenly gone and on a plane to the other side of the US. My heart hurts for the people left behind. My prayer is that these relationships continue and that even thousands of miles away they continue to be the encouragement and support that these kids need.
And lastly today I said my own goodbyes. Today the assistant directors left to go home and back to school. These incredible people have been my friends, my support system, my comic relief, and my shoulder to cry on for the past 8 weeks. Without this group of people I don't know how I would have made it though the summer and words cant even describe how much of a blessing they have been. In many ways I haven't been able to process everything yet, and I am not sure what will happen from here but I pray we continue to be part of each others lives.
This is a song that an amazing intern shared with me last summer...it simply states all the things I wish for me kids and my streetleaders. I know I wont be there to see all of it happen but I pray that it does and that they know how much they are loved

I wish you freedom

I wish you peace

I wish you nights of stars

That beckon you to sleep

I wish you heartache

That leaves you more of a man

I wish I could be there

But I can't

I wish you places

That sit so still

Where people never ever change

and never ever will

I wish I could hold you

And make you understand

I wish I could be there

But I can't

Be good for your mama

Cause she'll need a hand to hold

Boy, she loves you

More than you'll ever know

There are rhymes and there are reasons

And times when nothing stayed the same

But you know my love still remains

I wish you wisdom

I wish you years

I wish you armies

To conquer all your fears

I wish you courage for all that life demands

I wish I could be there

But I can't

Be good for your mama

Cause she'll need a hand to hold

Boy, she loves you

More than you'll ever know

There are rhymes and there are reasons

And times when nothing stayed the same

But you know my love still remains

I wish we were together

I wish I was home

I wish there were nights

Where I was never alone

I know I've said it

But I'll say it once again

I wish I could be there

But I can't

looking back

Last night I was on the phone with a friend who also interned with UrbanPromise last summer and who lived in the same house I did. As we talked he asked me what I have learned this summer, where am I this summer compared to last summer, and overall what it has been like being back here again. My experiance here this summer has been challenging, much more challenging than I thought it would be actually. Working at a new camp with all new kids has been a bigger adjustment that I expected. I love my kids at camp hope, and they have taught me sooooooo much, but if I am honest with myself I know that my heart is still in south camden. I am also in a new role this summer. I am the assistant director at my camp, which means that I dont actually teach classes but I deal with registration, parents, and the logistics of running camp. Assistant director also means that I am the house manager for the group of interns I live with. This has been my biggest challenge by far this summer. I dont enjoy it honestly. Finding a balance between being a  house mate and a friend, to following policy and keeping some peace in the house has been rough. I dont want to be anyones mom but at times it feels like that. All that being said, I finally feel like we are all into the swing of things, the bumps have been worked out and all seems to be going well thank the lord! Anyway... I told my friend last night that I feel like I excel in this leadership but it dosnt bring me the joy that I had last summer. He responded by saying that I dont think leadership is suppose to bring you joy. At least thats the way it has worked for him. I came into this summer expecting to feel the same way about the kids the interns and the city as I did last summer, however I have realized that is not practical. And if it all was the same then I wouldnt be learning anything. Last summer my joy came from the kids and from the relationships that I built with them. So much of my joy and energy is from the kids of camp hope but I have realized that seeing the interns learn and grow this summer has brought me joy as well. My job this summer has been to support them and encourage them, and the fact that they are continuing to learn and grow and love these kids means that something is going right. And God is no doubt still working here.

Camp Hope stories

This has been a longggggggg week. After being in Camden for over a month straight and working without a break I started to feel and see the results. However this week at camp has been amazing!!!!! Yesterday we had bible buddies, which I was actually not feeling fantastic going into because I was exhausted and ready to go home and sleep. However I quickly realized that what I needed wasnt a nap at all...it was quality time spent with these kids. We played eye spy, and took lots of crazy pictures, and spent time drawing and talking. For this set of bible buddies I have 3 kids. First is Jayden who is adorible to say the least and who can make me laugh or smile even on the worst days. And then I have Roodsen and Anel, brothers who moved to camden in 2009 from Hati. Anel is hearing impared and also uses english as a second language and struggles to communicate with the rest of the staff at camp hope. Anel might lack verbal skills for many reasons, but his way of communicating love and kindness surpasses many of the people I know. His brother Roodsen is older, he is older and a big brother to all the younger kids at camp. Today he had a rough morning and I found him crying under the tree in front of the church. I sat beside him and attempted to find out what was wrong. But at this point he had shut down, and wasnt interested in talking. I waited there with him untill the crying stopped and the tears dried and he eventually started playing again. This in itself isnt something that would suprise me however this afternoon at lunch he called me over to his table. When I bent down so he could wisper in my ear he said "thank you for encouraging me when I was sad this morning" At that moment he had my heart. I had felt like I really didnt do anything for him. I was just there but at that point in time that was all he needed. My last story is about a little boy named Sammy. Sammy is a four year old from Hati that comes to our camp, he is missing two of his fingers on his hand and speaks no english. A few of our volunteers speak creole and you can see his face light up when he is able to communicate with them. Anyway today I brought my guitar for camp so as we were waiting for basketball to start I brought it out knowing that the kids would be amused and everyone would get together. I often will give the kids the pic and let them strum as I play the chords. I handed the pic to Sammy and one of the kids says he dosnt even speak english he dosnt know what to do. And right away Sammy started playing just like the other kids had before him. Music is universal, love is universal, joy is universal, peace, grace, faith, is universal and for that I am soooo thankful.

Joy

So it is now 12:41 and we have camp tomorrow so I'm going to make this short... I had one of the best days since I have been here. Tonight I went to camp peace which is the camp that I worked at last year. I decided to have a camp night with the kids so I would be able to continue the relationships that I have already started with many of them. We started out with about 3 kids 2 of which I didn't know but before I knew it there where kids everywhere and I was in heaven :) there were tears, laughs, hugs, fights, and lost flip flops all within 2 hours but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is the only place in the world where I can literally see joy on people's faces... The kids of south Camden bring me that kind of joy. So call me crazy, irresponsible, and misguided but I'm holding on to that joy and keep coming back to this place because you just don't let something like that go.

Day one!

Today was the first day of camp! We started off the day heading out to the van (which is a blessing in itself just the fact that we were able to use the van) and quickly realized that it was dead. Thank God for Andy who had the portible jumper and Jeff who knew how to use it! Never the less we finally got to camp. The day was fantastic! The kids are adorible and sweet and I am so proud of my staff who really shined in different areas of the day.
Even though this is my second summer, my position as an assistant director is new and I am still learning where I belong and what my duties are. I spent most of the morning talking with parents and helping them register their children for camp. Which is new for me, as an intern I didn't have alot of interaction with parents however I am glad that I am able to get to know the families and not just the kids. The majority of the rest of the day was spent between art and bible. I was soooooo impressed by how much information these kids remember from church and from previous years of bible class during camp. And I LOVED getting to sit in on art because I got to actually sit and talk and color with kids, I have found this is going to be my time to get to know the kids on a personal level and I am sooo excited.
I am so blessed to be back in camden and working with the kids and streetleaders here. But I am really thankful for the team that God has placed at my camp and in my house. I am continuing to learn about God, myself, and what all of this really means and I cant wait to see what God has in store!