Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Come...and you will see

So I figured I would share an update post move to Philly and pre Malawi!!!
 
Things I have learned since being in the city
1. I still hate having to parallel park
2. I love Trader Joe's
3. I am soooooo excited to teach
4. My family is always there for me no matter what
5. God has blessed me in more ways than I even know
 
When I arrive back in the US after Malawi I will only have 2 days before I start at Mastery so it was important that I have time to settle in and get my life here situated as much as possible. Yesterday I spent the day in my classroom :)
It was soooo good, I moved a bunch of stuff around and have most of my stuff organized around the room. I have been working on some visuals at the apartment which I will go put up later this week! Today I went back to camp peace to visit! It was fun and great to see some of the kids that I have worked with, but I realized that most of my kids are growing up and honestly I didn't know many of the kids there. I still enjoyed time with the street leaders and getting to know some of the interns but it made me realize just how much EVERYTHING in my life is changing, but I know it's changing for the better.
I have also spent some time just exploring the city, small things like grocery shopping, finding the public library and opening a bank account out here.
 
 
On Monday I will meet up with my friend Molly who is one of three other girls traveling to Malawi! First thing Tuesday morning I will be on a flight to the warm heart of Africa!!!
When I first started thinking about making this trip I was asked why I wanted to travel to Malawi?
So here is my attempt to explain why I am excited for this trip and why I want to go.
 
In many ways I grew up in a bubble
Lancaster county
Elizabethtown High School
Messiah College
All places I love (okay maybe not the high school) and all places that have molded me into the person that I am. However to some degree they have all sheltered me in many ways as well.
I have spent time thinking and praying about the kind of life I want to create for myself. What is important to me, who I want to be, what my life will look like.
I decided I wanted this trip to be a base line or a starting point.
Coming back to the basics...discovering who God is through interacting, loving, serving, and creating community with his people.
Doing this in a culture that is so unlike my own forces me to be intentional and aware of how that is done, and my hope is that the things I learn will become part of my everyday life back in this new life of mine. That my interactions and my communities here can be infused with those same characteristics.
 
As a group we discussed trying to find a verse to serve as a theme for our trip.
John 1:38-39
Turning around Jesus saw them followed and asked "What do you want?"
They said Rabbi, "Where are you staying?"
"Come" he replied, "and you will see"

I don't know exactly what I am looking for or what I might find in Malawi
But I have faith that if I come...I will see
 
I hope to share some updates throughout my time in Malawi, however I will not be taking my laptop with me. So depending on what I am able to do with my phone and what Internet/power we have I will do my best!
Please continue to pray for our team and for what God has in store for us and for the people we meet.
I have no doubt that it is going to be extraordinary.


 




 

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Wish list for the Warm Heart of Africa!

In 28 days 8 hours and 30 minutes I will be on my FIRST plane ride ever and on my way to Malawi Africa otherwise known as the warm heart of Africa! I plan to update soon with some more details of where we are going and what we are doing, but I wanted to pass along a wish list of supplies just in case anyone wanted to donate! RiseMalawi will be our first stop where we will be helping out with summer camp and running an arts and crafts camp! Here are a few items that we are each trying to collect to donate to the program which is continuing to grow with a school, after school program and summer program!
  • Book bags for high school students 
  • Bath towels
  • Solar flashlights (even the small key chain kind or bigger, anything that you could read a book by that obviously doesn't need batteries)
  •  Bed sheets
  • Art supplies (powdered paint, construction paper, markers, glue, crayons, and other items)
If you are interested in donating any of these items or money/gift cards for us to purchase them please let me know!!

Monday, December 3, 2012

What I learned while I “should” have been practicing


 
This is a paper that I wrote for my senior seminar class. The very vague promt encouraged us to talk  about our faith, and the way that it has influenced our calling or vocation. UrbanPromise and the people of Camden have been a huge part of shaping who I am, and in this paper I am attempting to sum it all up...
 
 
 What I learned while I “should” have been practicing

 

            I was always listening to upperclassman talk about how they had no clue what they were doing with their lives, and I would find myself secretly thinging  “How could you not know? You have had the last four years to figure it out!” I have always been the type of person to have it all figured it. I’m practical and sensible, although I have recently found that the more I seek God and the will that he has for my life the less I seem to have figured out. The tighter my grip becomes when trying to control all the aspects of my life the less I am able to hear God.  I guess in some ways I have come to a point where I am throwing my hands up, and trusting that he has it figured out. In the past when I have let him have control the results have been life changing, they have taught me who I am, what I care about, and how I can serve.  When I really think about it, THOSE are the important questions. Now I find myself waiting to see how I can do those things through a vocation. Although these conclusions are all grand, and have given me peace over my circumstances, learning these lessons has been a lifelong process. I have no doubt I will continue to develop, and learn after my time here at Messiah is done.

            My freshman year I made the decision to do a service trip, up until this point I had never really done anything like this before. I was quiet and generally stuck close to home within my comfort zone, but for some reason I decided to do a spring break trip. I did not know anyone else going, and I was not familiar with any of the locations that teams were traveling to. After much thought, I had finally decided that I was going to go to New York for the week. However, right before I handed in the paperwork I heard an acquaintance say that she was going on the Camden trip. Desperate to go with someone I knew, I quickly switched my paperwork and signed up to spend the week in Camden NJ, which I quickly came to learn was one of the most dangerous cities in the United States. To make a long story short, that acquaintance never ended up never going, and I found myself a part of a team of strangers. Little did I know it would turn out to be an experience that has totally shaped my heart, my faith, and my life. After a couple days in the city I knew that I was going to come back, and I did. I was there for the summer, and next two summers after that. I served as a teaching intern, assistant director, and the assistant intern director of the program. While I knew that these experiences were more valuable than any summer job or time spent practicing, I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing something wrong. The peers that I had at school were taking jobs on campus that they really didn’t want to work in order to practice, and continue studying with their teachers. I served as the worship leader, and often sang and played guitar while I was away for the summer. This world of classical music I had at Messiah I left behind, and honestly I can’t say I missed it. Talking, and writing about these experiences is always a challenge. Describing what the people I met there mean to me, and the priceless lessons I have learned is something that cannot be understood easily through language, it must be experienced. In figuring out who I am,  and what my vocational calling is these are the people and the experiences that have shaped me into who I am.

One of the most important things I have learned is the concept of loving wastefully. It’s an idea that is foreign to us as Americans. We spend our lives calculating our every move, making sure our relationships are worthwhile, and we get just as much out of it as what we put in because anything less would be a waste of our time and our energy. The idea of loving wastefully means that we love with reckless abandon. We love those who may not reciprocate it, who might hurt us, and who the world thinks is a waste. This idea of loving wastefully was created by Bruce Main, he is the founder of UrbanPromise, the author of numerous books, and someone I consider a mentor, and a friend. In his book Spotting the Sacred he talks about this idea of loving wastefully.

“It’s easy to love cautiously. It’s easy to show expressions of love that are safe and kept within restricted boundaries... Yet is it not in loving wastefully that we display the inexhaustible love of God? Is it not in these spontaneous, risky acts of love that people are touched and doors are opened?” (Main, Chapter 3)

Luis, also known as Bebo was 15 when I met him. He had tattooed arms, and two long braids that fell past his shoulders, he was fresh out of juvenile detention. With parents in jail, siblings in the drug business, and no one looking out for him, the streets provided a system of people who had his back and for the first time someone seemed to care for him. Loving Bebo was a risk. The risk that I would get hurt, that I might see him suffer, that I would see him struggle and hurt those around him.  I did, I was the one getting the phone calls after he failed another drug test, and after he got arrested for selling drugs. I will always remember the hurt of a tear filled goodbye the night before we both thought he would be going back to jail. Through this risk, I have also had the greatest reward of getting to know him. I have been able to see him grow into a man that is full of compassion and appreciation. I have seen him use the stumbling blocks he has struggled with to help others. Bebo taught me that loving wastefully hurts and it’s scary, but it’s also the most fulfilling way to love.

While we are working full time in the camps with 40 to 80 kids every day, we are also living in an intern house with 12 other college aged students. This house was small, and old. The structure was unstable, and heat collected in every room. Needless to say we came to greatly value a couple different things; free air conditioning at Barns and Noble, a bathroom where you don’t have to wait in line, and sleep. There were many nights were I remember having the following conversation with myself…”well I could take a nap, or I could stay up with my roommates who are talking in the living room, or I could hang out with the street leader who has been begging me to get together all week.” I have found that no matter how tired you are, how hot the house is, or how much you would rather not do anything at all, time spent investing in people is never time wasted.

Through my time in Camden NJ I also learned what it means to be a leader, more specifically I learned what it means to be a servant leader. I remember specifically calling my best friend Chase, and telling him that I couldn’t do this anymore. I was disappointed in the attitude of the people who I was leading, I was frustrated with a system where I wasn’t getting the support I needed, and I was flat out discouraged. This isn’t what I came here to do, I came to Camden because I believe in these kids and I wanted to help others see in them what I see. Instead I was babysitting adults who didn’t want to follow rules, and were here for all the wrong reasons. My friend responded by saying, that’s why you make a great leader. This was not at all what I wanted to hear, but it just might have been what I needed. He went on to explain that my focus was on the kids and on ensuring that they had the greatest possible experience that they could have. He was right, even though it wasn’t what I wanted, it’s what I needed and what the program needed me to do. Being a servant leader is not about climbing any ladder of success, or about being honored at any banquets. It’s being a part of the everyday grind, doing all the small unseen things that allow things to work the way they are suppose to. I want to be a leader like this, a servant leader.

As I worked through the presentation that accompanied this paper I realized that I was talking about all of the people that I met and the way that they impacted my life, but I had never really told my own story. I have never hid my past from anyone, but it isn’t something that always comes up unless you know me well. I came to Messiah feeling slightly like the black sheep. I didn’t have parents who where professors, or who encouraged me to be a part of the music world. I grew up with a single mom and a parent in jail. I had become pretty good at looking and acting like most of my peers, but in reality that isn’t who I was or who I am. It took me a while to realize that my testimony is an amazing gift, and something I believe will make me a great teacher. The journey that has brought me to this place in my life has been so unique and allows me to relate to kids, and to the people I meet on a more genuine level. The kids who I work with in Camden grew up very similarly to the way that I did. While the other interns I work with can support them and listen to their stories, I am able to say that I understand because I lived it. I can provide an example of someone who has made the best out of a situation some would have considered hopeless. It allows me to challenge them, and not take any excuses because I know that their potential is limitless. I am thankful to have a story to share, that has molded me into the person that I am, and am slowly becoming more comfortable sharing it with others.

So I may not know exactly where I am going to live or what kind of job I will have, but I have realized what’s important to me. These are the foundations of what make me who I am. Whether I am a teacher, an after school programs coordinator, a mom, or a wife, I want to do all those things keeping this in mind. Love others, serve others, invest in others and let yourself be used by God.

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

One week down

Well I have been back in Camden for almost a week, it's great being back but always a bit of an adjustment. Since I got here my car has been a constant stresser for me. What started as a problem with my car alarm has turned into having to buy a new car, something that was totally not expected and something thats so far outside my budget it makes my stomach churn. If there is one thing I have learned though my time here it's to shut up and listen. Most of the time the small annoying things in life have a bigger purpose or at least I would like to think so. And I have found that if take the time to be patient and really look for the ways that God's working I could usually find them. When my car broke down I was in philly with Chase, who is one of my best friends. After a half hour and frustration we headed back to his house where he reminded me, this could have happened in camden, at night, in a bad part of town, and I could have been alone. I am trying to trust that God's got it all figured out, he has provided for me this far so why should I fret right?

Regardless of the money issues and whatnot, I love being back in the city. Working at Urban has been great, I love getting to see everyone on a daily basis and being able to take even the slightest bit of stress off pam. I know that this summer will come with challenges, working in a new program, with new kids, and balancing two jobs will be exhausting but worth it I'm sure.

The intern program hasnt actually started yet, there are a few that are here before leaving for another program or that are staying for the summer as well but it's kinda lonely. I miss living in an intern house with a group of other college aged kids. Don't get me wrong I love the people (and the air conditioning!!) at the retreat house but there is just a different climate in an intern house. Hopefully I will find out monday if I will be moving!

Thats all for now...im off to find some camp kids and hopefully take them to the park!

Monday, May 14, 2012

wow...it's been a while

Well as expected between school and work and life things got busy and this blog got forgotten...so here is my disclaimer....I am pretty sure that almost no one reads this blog, which is fine obviously I havnt done my best at maintaing it. Anyway because of that I am just gunna be real, almost use this as my own stream of conciousness. You will get the good the bad and the ugly, so this is me giving my permission for you to unfollow or deleate or ignore anything that follows...you wont hurt my feelings. Anyway if you do stick around...or if anyone actually is there, feel free to comment, laugh, and pray, cuz the truth is I need it :)

So I got the job that I had previously mentioned! Which is amazing!!! I am so excited to be working in camden for another summer and have the opprotunity to branch out and really see what its like outside of the "urbanpromise bubble" I admit I wont be totally out, I am still going to be living in the retreat house and helping out the intern director but I am excited to still have a network of people that I know and to be able to save a little bit of the money I make rather than paying rent. It really is a huge blessing

However part of me is nervous about this summer. They are middle schoolers :/ an age group I never had any interest in teaching. And not only do I have to teach them but I have to have them able to perform for a group of people and pray that it looks like it all was intentional. I know that this summer is going to have HUGE challenges and is going to stretch me in ways that I dont even know. But I know that this is good, I know its going to help me see the city clearer and that this is going to be an experiance I am never going to forget.

Another thing that is kinda new, and exciting, and scary all at the same time...As I head off to camden I will be about 40 pounds lighter. Something that I dont tell ANYONE unless they mention it to me. People say once they lose weight they feel comfortable in their own skin...that is not the case, not for me anyway. It is still strange that none of my old clothes fits anymore. Its strage that I spent so much time hoping that people were not looking at my body and now having people compliment and comment at the things I spend so much time trying to hide. Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go but it has been alot to process...

I sang with concert choir this week at graduation. It was SCARY to realize how close that is for me. And I have always been someone who has it all figured out and who knows exactly what I want and i still do. but now I am realizing that all this means its time to put up or shut up. Proving to myself and everyone around me that I mean the things I say and that I really will come through with them. I know that its a year away and that the way I feel is just dramatic...but that has been the story of my life lately for some reason.

Speaking of being dramatic, I had a longggg talk with Hope on the way back from Camden the other day. About life and love and dreams and reality of all those things. Trying to figure out how we can be so similar and yet so very different. Understanding how she can be self concious yet have a continuous group of guys lining up to be with her I will never understand. I have said it manyyyyy times and I will say it again. I am not good with words...its why I sing. So naturally there are a few songs that I blast 24/7 on repeat because they say all the things that I can never put into compleate sentances myself.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't



The truth is
That I miss lyin' in those arms of his
But I don't ever let it show
I laugh and I act like
I'm having the time of my life
as far as he knows

It's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Easy, everytime I see him out
I can smile, live it up
The way a single girl does
But, what he, what he don't know
is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A challenge

After talking with a friend I made the decision to apply for a job with Education works in camden. I was so excited when I got the call for an interview so tomorrow I pray all goes well when I make the trip to philly for this interview. Camden has become comfortable I love the kids and the people I know and UrbanPromise however I know that I am not being challenged there. I knew this after the knot in my stomach formed moments after setting up this interview. I am nervous, nervous to interview, nervous to go beyond the bubble of UrbanPromise, nervous that I am not as good as I think I am. I am nervous because if God dosnt show up, I will be in trouble. I am trusting that if this is ment to me that I will find housing and that he will be with me throughout this process. As scary as it is I know that through this bring growth so even through I am nervous and everything seems up in the air I also feel at peace knowing that I am continuing to seek out what it means to love wastefully.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

...

I feel as though I have all sorts of questions sturring. Last night as we sat in the living room in downtown Camden we heard gunshots from outside. It's not a first for me but it's never something that will feel normal, or at least I hope not. In that moment I can feel my stomach drop beacuase I know that no matter how much good anyone can do, there will always be gunshots filling the silence. And in that moment it feels hopeless. I know that I am not changing the world, I know that Camden will continue to struggle weather I am there or not but its times like this that are a grim reminder of the things that my camp kids face everyday. Even as I sit here writing this I feel stupid, I know that its normal in camden and that I didnt actually see anything happen but I cant pretend like it dosnt effect me.

Im thankful for a God who knows the desires of my heart, because at this point I don't even know where to start.